Saturday, 21 August 2010

For Twoc's Sake - Tory Story

Taking Without the Owners Consent...

Every day I find myself struggling for metaphors to describe the new government and, in particular, their approach to the economy. I have - approriately enough - road-tested this one. And it seems to sort of fit. Not only are the govt acting (in economic terms) like pissed up rugby students on the mother of all stag nights, but it's like they've taken the keys to their Dad's Jag. Which is our car, actually. One that we saved up for but don't get to drive much with the price of fuel being what it is.

After 13 years of lessons, these Cherub-faced, polite-but-dims somehow fluked the test and now - with full Bullingdon rig under their 'ordinary middle class' clothes - they are speeding round the country lanes heedless of rules of the road or the damage they'll do when they hit something. Intoxicated by the thrill of getting their hands on the wheel at last, they're really pushing to see how fast this baby can go. Osborne is the key with hands on the wheel. But the whole vehicle is full of kids getting a notch harder every time he puts the pedal closer to the metal. 'Faster, Pussycat, Faster!' they yell from the back seat. There's a couple looking a bit green around the gills. These car-sick weaklings must be Liberals and they sight of their wan faces as they try to look like they're enjoying the trip, just provokes their more bullish mates. Taking the LibDems to places they don't want to go is part of the thrill of the joy-ride.

But it's not the main thing. The main thing is just being in charge of this beast. This Trillion dollar vehicle and just giving it all she can take. Whoop-Whoop!

Let's hope they run out of fuel before they hit someone. An economy is a lethal weapon, you know lads. You'll get fined, banned, you'll end up in jail if you keep driving like maniacs. Your insurance will go through the roof. (Only of course they're not insured are they? Joy-riders never are.)

But they're not listening. Like a lot of young male new drivers they think they know everything. They feel like James Bond, Michael Schumacher, Jensen Button. They don't see that they're coming over all Toad from Wind-in-the-willows. They are soooo turned on right now. If this was a film what would we call it. Tory Story? The only trouble is our two toy-sized leads just aren't loveable enough. Or life-like enough. And please God don't let there be any sequels.

It's going to end in tears. This car will be totalled wrapped around around a recession that they didn't see. 'It just ran out in front of me officer. I didn't have a chance.'

To which the only answer can be' just blow into this bag, sir... Properly.' And then maybe we'll get to take the license away for good this time.

And if no-one gets killed, if we do get away with it, our lasting memory might be the sight of some Liberal puking and claiming that he was somehow innocent. 'He told me he could drive... He told me I'd look cool, get girls...' And we can ban them too. In fact they should go to jail because it was the Liberals that nicked the keys from our study and handed them to 'Ozzy' Osbourne in the first place.